Rodney Dangerfield

No Respect (2)

I Don’t Get No Respect

That’s the story of my life. I don’t get no respect, no respect at all. It’s not easy bein’ me…

Yesterday for two hours a guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I held a seashell up to my ear. It told me to get off the beach.

I bought some rat poison. The girl asked me, “should I wrap it up or are you going to eat it here?”

Hey, I don’t get no respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, “There goes the neighborhood!”

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

It’s not easy being me. I was arrested for j-walking. The crowd kept yelling, “Don’t take him alive!”

This morning my superintendent told me to wipe my feet in my apartment before I go into the hallway.

I got hit by a car. I told the guy, “Are you blind?” He said, “I hit you, didn’t I?”

I don’t get no respect from anyone. I mean, last week my house was on fire and my wife told my kids, “Be quiet, you’ll wake up Daddy.”

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Every day the elevator attendant asks me the same thing … “Basement?”

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I don’t get no respect, are you kiddin’? One time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

It’s tough to keep weight off. I eat at McDonald’s and watch the sign change.

My Birth / Childhood

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through anyway.”

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got lost at the beach. A cop came and helped me look for my parents. I asked him, “Do you think we’ll find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.”

I was never lucky at the beach. One day I was drowning and yelling “Help! Help!” The lifeguard ran over and said, “Alright kid, keep it down, keep it down.”

What a childhood I had. My uncle’s dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I don’t get no respect. No respect at all: when I was a baby I was breast fed by my father.

The day I was born, the doctor took me out and slapped me. I found out – the nurse – she got a few in too.

When I was born, the doctor told my mother, “I did all I could but he pulled through anyway.”

It was rough when I was a kid. The first time I had my picture taken, the pony threw me.

When I was a kid I turned to crime. I did one bad thing. I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an aeroplane and made a run for it.

My Parents

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My old man didn’t help either. I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

One time I asked my old man, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to go run off a cliff.

When I was a kid my old man told me that Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

My old man, he didn’t like my looks either. He carried around a picture of the kid who came with the wallet.

My old man, I tell ya. He made me sleep in the kitchen naked to get rid of the roaches.

My father, he was a workaholic you know. You mentioned work and he got drunk.

My Family

What a dumb family I got, are you kidding? Last week I looked up my family tree and found out I’m the sap.

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

“I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”

I’m So Ugly

“Yeah, I know I’m ugly” I said to a bartender, “Make me a zombie.” He said “God beat me to it.”

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.

You kiddin’? I know I’m ugly. I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I was an ugly kid too. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I’d get.

I was such an ugly kid. For Halloween we never had a pumpkin. They just made me stand in the window.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask.

I know I’m not a good looking guy. I mean, on Halloween I open the front door and kids give me candy.

When I was a kid I was ugly too. For Halloween I had to trick-or-treat over the phone.

Are you kidding, I know I’m ugly. My dog found out we look alike and he killed himself.

I was an ugly kid too. My old man took me to the zoo and the guy at the gate thanked him for returning me.

I’m so ugly my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I was a very ugly kid. In my sandbox, the cat kept covering me up all the time, you know?

My Doctors

My trouble is I got the wrong doctor. You know my doctor. Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. I told him, “Doc, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Every time I look in the mirror I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

Once when I called him I told him I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My problem is I drink way too much. I gave my doctor a urine specimen. There was an olive in it.

I tell ya, people are nuts. My dentist. He found a new way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

My dentist, that’s another one. I told him my teeth are all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Last week my psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him I’d like a second opinion. He said, “Alright, you’re ugly too.”

And then he told me to lay on the couch face down.

My Wife and Kids

The other day my wife was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Last week my wife drove the car and hit a tree. She said it wasn’t her fault, she blew the horn.

The first time she drove the car she hit a deer. It was in the zoo.

My wife isn’t too smart either. Some guy stole her car and I asked her if she saw what he looked like. She said she got the license plate number.

My wife’s not smart at all. I mean, the second time she got pregnant she thought we had to get married again.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Are you kiddin’? I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home the parrot says, “Quick! Out the window!”

With my wife, there’s always something. I took her to a nice restaurant and made a toast to “The Best Woman a Man Ever Had” – the waiter joined me.

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter’s no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Last Christmas my kid wanted a b-b gun. I gave him a b-b gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back.

My kids, they don’t help either. I have very smart kids. My son: The other day I told him, “Someday you’ll have children of your own.” He said, “So will you.”

My Wife’s Cooking

My wife, she can’t cook. Worst cook in the world. In my house we pray after we eat.

What a lousy cook. I don’t think meat loaf should glow in the dark.

I got the only dog that begs for alka seltzer.

Last night she gave me a steak. It still had marks where the jockey was hitting it.

My Neighborhood

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

I live in the only neighborhood where when I plan my budget I allow for hold up money.

I shoulda known when I took the apartment. The ad in the paper said, “Short run to subway.”

I live in NY, west side, a very bad neighborhood. First day I moved in, I asked a cop, “How long a walk to the subway?” He said, “I don’t know. No one ever made it.”

They put a new sidewalk in front of my building. I tell you, it’s a weird feeling to put your hand in wet cement and you feel another hand.

My kid goes to the worst school there is. Only public school I know where the school newspaper has an obituary column.

My Bad Luck

I tell ya, with me, nothing comes easy. The other day I went into McDonald’s and they told me I don’t deserve a break.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I’d be honest.

With me nothing comes easy. Are you kidding? I mean last week I went to the track and when they shot off the opening gun they killed my horse.

I tell ya’ here in Las Vegas they got slot machines everywhere. Even in the supermarkets. I went in to buy a carton of milk and it cost me $238.

Show Biz

When I started in show biz I worked only at tough places. Places like Fonzo’s Knuckle Room. Aldo’s, formerly Vito’s, now Nunzio’s. Oh, Nunzio’s was a tough place. I sat down to eat and on the menu they had “broken leg of lamb”.

Show business is a tough racket. I mean, last week my fan club broke up. They guy died.

Girls and Romance

I’m a very bad lover. You know I caught a peeping tom booing me?

I never had any luck with girls. I never got girls when I was a kid in show business either. One girl told me, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over – there was nobody home!

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight.

She was so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State Building and airplanes started to attack her.

I went out with this girl. She was so fat. When she got on the scale, a card came out that said, “One at a time.”

You know how we met? I hit her with my car. She said, “Why didn’t you go around me?” I told her I didn’t think I had enough gas.

This one girl, she was no prize either. I tell ya. I met her at the Macy’s Parade. She was wearing ropes.

I’m talkin’ a fat girl here. You kiddin’ me? She was standing alone on a street corner and a cop told her to break it up.

Yeah this girl was fat and ugly. Boy was she ugly. How ugly? I took her to the beach and they asked me what I used for bait?

My Dog

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times – 3 while I was reading it.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

What a dog I have. His favorite bone is in my arm.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I have a very dumb dog. We call him “Egypt” – in every room he leaves a pyramid.